Trying to get my life back in order

so the title says I'm trying, and when you read it it sounds like I've just started this process... only I"m not that person who starts diets, and yo-yos.. I'm not that person who starts one thing and then another - I never really start anything I just sit at the planning stage for every... like right now I've been going to the gym for a month and a half It's great I'm doing well -I go 3 times a week and it's sorta helping with the appetite and cravings and what not - but I'm not really getting into 100 %.  I wish I could - I would - but I'm stuck at  - one day I'll get my life together, I'll get my health on track = one day... and until then I do one little thing here and another thing over there and if I'm lucky the two might collide, but that's still not the whole shebang....

Getting Fit

After looking through a bunch of cook books, and looking over many many web-pages, I've been figuring out my plan of action.   I've joined the local gym, I'm working on whole foods, and fresh things, fat for flavor instead of sugar for fuel. 

The gym I've joined has babysitting, so I can go during the day, and during the evenings and I can take him with me. 

It's a good start...

Getting into Shape

I'm not good at getting in Shape.  I mean I'm really good at getting into a bad shape, a rounder, flubbery shape...  I think it's the moving thingy... you know the old adage 'eat less, move more'  Well I'm not good at the former and I'm terrible at the latter.   

I need to get better at something. I have a son I want to be around for, I want to go for family walks with, bike rides in the park, hiking on vacation swimming, early morning walks... I'd settle for going up stairs without being winded.

The problem is that I want food to taste good, be enjoyed, be apart of life.  Not the centre, not the focus... More than just sustenance, but pleasurable.   I know that God gave us taste-buds for a reason, and I like to use them. A lot. And then some.

The solution for cutting out crap, getting up more and tossing the bad stuff, well that's the easy part.  Self control.  I lack it.  I lack it alot. (in this case a lot is one word - used for expression of severity). 

I'm starting with a few handicaps:

1 -  I'll admit that I'm a Sugar Freak.  Sweet tooth, ha! I have Sweet Teeth.

2 - I once had a Serious issue with food.  My parents didn't know, my brothers didn't know (expect for Mike he figured it out about 10th grade).  In fact at the time no one knew.  In fact today not many people know... So watching what I eat and how much and how often can turn into something really ugly.  it can become about the process, and controlling the food rather than controlling myself.  If I'm not careful I can get too restrictive and then bad things happen.  I've moved past this issue in my day to day life, but like Alcoholism, I don't believe you're cured (apart from divine intervention), you're just healed, and there is always temptation and relapse...  I don't want to risk my health to become healthy. 

3 - I'm a coward.  I want the easy way out. I'm scared that if I do get healthy, if I get 'fit' and even 'trim' I'll lose who I am. for so long I've hiding behind the 'big girl' mask.  I mean I'm huge, and that isn't completely a negative.  try being 6feet tall and a large framed woman.  I weigh 235 lbs today, and I'm a thick kind of girl...  I thank the Lord every time I walk in front of a mirror, that I'm proportioned... speaking of that - what will happen if I do thin down some, will I be all boney and gross looking, will I lose weight where I don't want to (the cup does not runneth over, if you catch my drift).

Two years ago I was going to the gym, and watching what I ate, for a while, and then I stopped, well I was preggers and had a slight complication, but I stopped...  Last year I was preggers and managing my weight very well.  After Matty came early I dropped back to my 'normal' weight... but boy did my body change. I was the same in pounds, but the flubber had migrated and moved.  I have the post baby belly.  Boy is it ugly. I mean really ugly. 

This is new to me.  HATING somethinig about myself so much that I think about all the time.  It's a joke as Mattys cushion and seat, and it's literally coming between my husband and I.  I find it hard to be sexy and confident when I want to hide.

So for the Sake of my sanity, for the image of self I have in my head, for my husband, and for my son I'm going to change.   Slowly and steadily.

I purchased a GREAT book from a yard sale this year - for a quarter - The Settlement Cook book: the way to a mans heart -  It's really really old, written by a lovely lady named Lizzie Black Kander, or Mrs Kander as written in the book.  I have the second printing from 1946.   (I'll write more about the book in the next post)

I think that I will be cooking my way through this book.  I figure the old school tastes will satisfy and I can work on Portion. oh portion... here we go.  I can do this.

I'll post about this as often as I can with Matty being Matty, as as often as I remember. 

I'm praying that this will give me a chance to get back to basics with cooking, master some amazing cooking and at the same time get back to my love of food, with out the obsessive stalker type relationship I once had.

looking and listening for the clicking....

Making grown up decisions about my life and body is harder than I thought. I'm painfully aware that I'll be 30 this year... and I used to believe that wasn't 'that' old... only it is, it really is.

I have really got to get serious about it.. I say that I want to change, I say I want to do better, I say I want to eat healthier, move more, feel better, look better.... and I feel that I want to - but something hasn't clicked, and I don't know how to make it click...

Where did that light switch go? Where is that 'Easy' button?

well it's the end of April...

I know that it's not the very end - but I did 21 days of No sugar... that was the original goal - get through 3 weeks. I did that...

I know that I forgot 3 or 4 times, once I added honey to a Smoothie, while out with friends I shared a dessert - just a few bites... etc. But for the most part my life was not consumed with sugar. I enjoyed that my body didn't crash, that my mind was a little clearer... I didn't really have any withdrawal symptoms, but I did miss eating dessert....

On Sunday I attended a birthday party, and before I realized I had a glass of pop... oops... but I didn't feel like I had to have 3 glasses of pop... I didn't need ice cream or snacks... I told David - that I think I was over the emotional hold Sugar had on me... and to test the theory - I had CAKE.. I KNOW it was awful.. (not so much). I had a reasonable sized piece, in fact I'd say it was small... and that was that. we stayed 4 hours... I had 10 penny candies, and in leaving, another small slice of cake.

I don't think I failed in the sugar fast... even though it wasn't the 29th... I didn't need to keep going back for more cake... I didn't feel like I wasn't enjoying myself when I wasn't eating... I ate moderately, and I think it will be easy to maintain. 3 weeks to break free from how much sugar I ingested, 3 weeks to kick the emotional habit of sweet things, 3 weeks to realize that Savory is as delicious as Sweet...

and now to prepare for David's Birthday Party... and Bake Cookies - No worries they aren't all for me... :D

I did it again, and It had been going so well....

I had a Cinnamelts from McDonalds... I couldn't help it - a friend bought it for me... and it was good - but it was still sugar... but I'm not feeling super crazy, or like I have to have more... we'll see how my mind and body are in a few hours...

Day Six....

I'm not sure that I can remember that I'm not adding sugar - I made a smoothie today, and added honey... I didn't even think about it - it just sorta happened... I'm sorry... I'll try harder, I promise.

My month just got shorter...

April without Sugar

DAY FOUR

I've made it through the roughest part. I got through the first 72 hours, and through my father's surprise party without having cake and ice cream. I can't believe it, but I'm feeling OK about this. I've been sick - so I'm not sure if I was feeling gross because of all the 'sick' in my body, or if I was reacting to how little sugar I had in my system.

This morning I still feel sick, but nothing more. I hope I can keep this up for the month... well...

The month of April. That was my goal, however my husbands birthday is the end of this month, and I will be celebrating with him, which means the month of NO SUGAR just got a little shorter.

- I will be eating cake and Ice cream, and even smores -

Normally I would pretend like I wouldn't and then cave - but that isn't a very nice situation to get myself in... I'll just be honest... I will not eat sugar until then, and at David's party I will have a very controlled, grownup amount of sugar :D

And this week Sugar is my dearest friend...

The end of this week is the end of Sugar for me... well added, processed sugar... I think it'll kill me. I'm hoping it will break my spirit, my addiction... i'm nervous - I love to eat sugar, and I love to bake with sugar, and I love to eat sugar... ahem.

I have been neglecting the spiritual Discipline of Fasting... and I want so very much to be doing that, in fact I feel that the Lord is convicting me to strengthen my spiritual 'body'. But in order for me to be able to do that, i need to work on my physical body. My family doctor would like me to cut the sugars, before I do something 'drastic' like fast. She would also like me to cut the sugar, because I have a great chance of inheriting, developing diabetes.

The rules I've given myself some rules to follow, and David and friends will help me stick to them.

1) No candies, or chocolates, or sweets, or baked goods, or ice cream.
2) No extra sugar, which means nothing in my tea or on my cereal; and no syrup on my pancakes and waffles.
3) No processed sugary things - Tim Horton's Cappuccinos for example

I can do it! April is a short month (if I had been wise I would have chosen February)

Sugar, I believe it's taken over my life...

I think I need to cut it out... well cut back.... sorta.

and that statement says it all.

I know I eat too much sugar, refined, processed, sweet, glorious sugar. I like white sugar from beets in my baking; raw cane sugar in special treats and sweets I make; Confectioner's sugar to lightly dust the tops of earlier mentioned sweets... plus Butter Cream Icing is God's gift to my Cupcakes; Brown sugar for my cereal, and baking; Dextrose in most of the processed food I try to avoid, but not really; Corn syrup in cooking, and on my pancakes, Oh it's distant cousin, high fructose corn syrup which is in Practically Everything; Fructose/Fruit, see this is the tricky part, I love Fruit - but its Uber full of Sugar!; Honey, the sweet nectar of the gods, for my tea; Inverted sugar in the middle of Caramilk…; Maple syrup on pancakes, waffles and in a few recipes; Molasses, which is not my favorite in most things, but I like it plain in a spoon (a small spoon); Turbinado, raw sugar goodness.

See I wasn't sure I was really in trouble, til I wrote that off the top of my head... know anyone else who can name off that many types of sugar?

I suppose I need to pull it together and cut it out... a Sugar Fast, or some sort of cleanse-y type thing...

A Lot to Process - and Maybe get my Butt in Gear!

I've been stuck inside... for about a week. Both Matthew and I have been battling a fierce cold. I've had it for almost a month and a half, he's just sorta playing with it. I think that I'm better , and a day latter I'm back to square one. This time around it's settled in my chest. Yuck Much.

We've been trapped at home for a week. Well, that's not entirely true, I was out for church, and then this one trip to the city... but it nearly killed me... so I've made up for the outings by making homemade chicken soup, and staying in my jammies for days. Physically I've had to slow down, because everything stopped.

Mentally I'm at my end. I feel out of control, not in a 'crazy' and aggressive way, but in a Passive, and all control is taken from me sort of way. I'm not a control freak, don't get me wrong. I, in fact, prefer to not be in control of most things; even though I'm a Type A personality. But I do want some control in my life. I don't want to be a spectator. I enjoy being apart of something, to be an active member of life, community, church, marriage, parenthood... womanhood even.

I don't have a realm of 'my space'. What in my life is mine? Where are my responsibilities, and what is my role?

Spiritually, Wow, is God working on me... It's like he's working on the sick side of my soul. I've been hiding from my own fears for the last couple of months. My life has been so about being Matthew's mother, and living in that blessing that I pushed aside all the things that God has been teaching me.

I guess we forget that God can Bless you, and want you to walk in that blessing, but not forget, or disregard the fact that He's working on you.

My forgetting was about self. About His view of Me. I forget that I'm loved. I forget I'm a loveable.

Self Esteem is linked to Spirituality, whether we want it to be or not. If you don't believe you exist for a reason, that something 'great' created you, then you become 'just like everyone else' you are just a 'mistake that grew from slime' you simply exist, and one day you won't... sad. You would judge yourself by humanity's standard... which is constantly changing, which is rooted in selfishness, and destruction, and you change based on what Others want you to be.

See here's the tougher stuff.... you say to me... "Shannon, what about being Me for Me?"... Well If I did not have faith in a God who created me, then currently I wouldn't' want to be me for me. We forget that we are flawed, we are corrupt and toss like the waves. I'm not steady enough to be the standard of myself.

We are not Good, I have yet to meet the prefect human. As much as society is wrong, and selfish, Society is just a bunch of people. we are individuals, but not independent. If we change ourselves, for simple ourselves, we are pressured by our culture, our time, our environment... so we can't be independently independent.

Because I believe in a 'greater', in something beyond myself, I believe that 'the greater' (Who we will call God) ( and who wants a personal relationship with each of us, as I believe...) has created me. Not by mistake, and not by accident, and not 'just because he had nothing to do on the sixth day'. That alone is a huge deal in regards to my self worth, and self esteem. God made me, He knew me in my mothers womb, he Created me in His image. But more than just being part of his creation He has good planned for me, I am his favored, and the Apple of his eye. He is the standard by which I can compare my life, my mind, body and soul...

And yet I don't feel it or see it right now. I believe it, but don't think about it.. It's like I'm covered in a fog. When I'm standing in front of a mirror, Feeling lost, laying in bed at midnight; Worn out and tired, holding Matty; or crying in the shower I just can't seem to remember it...

I often ignore / forget that God gave me David, and that when I feel unloved, David's love and perspective of 'me' is something... It counts for something. It's worth something because my husband loves me, with a God like Love, and Loves me with a humanistic love - that when he says I'm beautiful, I should actually listen.. not just smile and toss aside. That I should hear it.

I guess I don't hear the words, and I can ignore the actions... I can dismiss the feeling...

I'm still working on Me...

6 months later

so it's been half a year - and the only thing that has changed is I have a baby... still sorta round, still trying to change my eating lifestyle so taht I'm not dieting to change me - -but just changing me ..

Robin and I are back at the gym - but with storms and motherhood - not as often. We've decided that in Feb we'll move to the outdoors... going for walks at the neighborhood pond, and if the weather sucks we'll move indoors to the mall - yes, like the old people.

Also we've roped in Crystal. the weeks she doesn't have her kids we'll be walking up a storm!!

so here it goes... again.....

22 Weeks and Counting

I'm into my 22 week of pregnancy (tomorrow I conclude 22 and I'm onto 23), and it's going so GREAT!!! I just wanted to update and say that I'm very round - I'm getting from big in the belly to basketball under the shirt belly... it's wonderful! God is Good!!

dropping the weight...

Well Pregnancy works for big girls like me. Not that I'm that bi - but I'm not a Skinny Minny... at all. I have curves where I should - so meh... BUT since getting pregnancy, and joining the gym, I've lost a pound or two every week... since stopping the gym, I've still lost a pound or two...

My doctor isn't worried, shes says big girls have it to lose. It will only be a problem at the end of my 2nd,m and into my 3rd trimester.

Since I'm at 14 weeks I hope to level out soon. I've popped - but just a littl Since I'm a big waisted woman, I have a ton of room for baby and the Dr. says I'll pop, but then stay at this size for a little while... then sorta pop again. So I hope to level out with the weight then.

So I'm not at the gym a lot... which i'm Ok with.

Cause... well I'm preggers, and I have to worry about Incubating, not getting fit... so the cool thing is I can still write about being fit and preggers... and I don't have to change the name of this blog. :D

I think I'm quitting the Gym

I've been taking it easy - and I think the best thing to do is quit the gym. I hope they will give me my last 3 months balance... cause I'd like to move the money over... to the pool. I find Aqua-sizing much much better. and I cold do more... for less... and it wouldn't hurt my body.

So here's hoping that maybe I'll be able to drop the hard core, and bump down to soft core... doesn't that sound awful... but it's what I gotta do.

Aqua-sizing three times a week, and belly dancing weekly that will be good!! I think.

Here's hoping that I'll maintain my current weight loss plan.

AquaSizing

It's really fun, and I love it!

Robin and I go Tues. and Thurs. mornings. It's really great, we're with 15 other ladies, and one lovely gentleman. I would guess besides Robin and I, the average age is 54. But that's just a guess.

Its easy on my knees, and I really feel it. It doesn't hurt like after a really hard day at the gym... but you feel it.

Anyways I like that I'm doing things and I like that I like doing them...

Having to slow down..

So going to the gym was wonderfully successful. I was dropping a pound and a half a week... but I have to slow done - my doctors are thinking that I should just take it a little easy - and not push so much - maybe the lack of sleep, the crazy tired... sigh... so I'm cutting back - no heavy lifting, and pushing with the wieghts - I'll drop down some weight - but keep the reps up. I"m doign Aqua Sizing twice a week - which is good!

I'm just hoping to stay healthy - -skinny is not what I'm looking for - but Fit is.

And the reward goes to.. Me

I have hit my goal! I'm ever so proud. 1 1/2lb and a half each week - - it's only week 3 so I hope I can keep it up. I'm really watching my weight and writing a food journal. Robin and I are working at incorporating some weight watchers ideas, like points, into our routine. It would be really nice to have this all ingrained in my brain, so that I just live better, and healthier.

I got a compliment from a lovely lady at our church, saying that I looked like I was losing some weight... so people are noticing - I don't see any results, but I'll just keep hoping....

Hitting the Gym

So Today I'll be hitting the Gym, with Cardio and Weights combo workout. I'm hoping that I can keep losing the 1lb and a half I need to...

I've eaten a little less than normal this weekend, but I didn't really focus on my calories - which I should have, cause even thought I ate a little less than normal, I think my Calories were the same... so - I have to work harder.

Here's Hoping...

I start this week at 219...

Am I gaining?

I don't think so, but I'm not so sure that I'm losing either.

I come home from working out - FAMISHED. I think I'm eating more now, I wish someone had told me sooner - not to Over eat. Yeesh! I knew to watch what I eat, but I didn't really pay that close attention. I will from now on.

Yesterday I ate over 2200 calories. I didn't mean to... I didn't plan on it. This is going to be uber tough. This morning I had some fruit - 150 Cal. It's not lunch yet, and I'm not hungry, yet. This is where it gets tricky - I'll want to eat a lot at Lunch so that I don't eat a TON at dinnertime. See I have this awful habit of eating a lot, late at night. I really need to curb that too, huh?

I've made it a week without Chocolate, well not completely - I had one treat, a slice of cake.. but mostly I avoid it. ... it's actually doable.

I'm not going to the gym today - I had an hour long belly dance practice last night - and tomorrow is our performance. So today is rest day!

And it begins...

I'm pleasantly plump woman, and my favorite quote of the month is...

"I'm fat, But only on the Outside..."

It's Februray 2010.
GOAL: lose 25 lbs by June 2010
Current weekly goal: 1.5 lbs a week.

Height: 6 feet...
Current Weight : 221 (OUCH)


This is going to be tough, but I think it's totally doable.