Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sugar, I believe it's taken over my life...

I think I need to cut it out... well cut back.... sorta.

and that statement says it all.

I know I eat too much sugar, refined, processed, sweet, glorious sugar. I like white sugar from beets in my baking; raw cane sugar in special treats and sweets I make;
Confectioner's sugar to lightly dust the tops of earlier mentioned sweets... plus Butter Cream Icing is God's gift to my Cupcakes; Brown sugar for my cereal, and baking; Dextrose in most of the processed food I try to avoid, but not really; Corn syrup in cooking, and on my pancakes, Oh it's distant cousin, high fructose corn syrup which is in Practically Everything; Fructose/Fruit, see this is the tricky part, I love Fruit - but its Uber full of Sugar!; Honey, the sweet nectar of the gods, for my tea; Inverted sugar in the middle of Caramilk…; Maple syrup on pancakes, waffles and in a few recipes; Molasses, which is not my favorite in most things, but I like it plain in a spoon (a small spoon); Turbinado, raw sugar goodness.

See I wasn't sure I was really in trouble, til I wrote that off the top of my head... know anyone else who can name off that many types of sugar?

I suppose I need to pull it together and cut it out... a Sugar Fast, or some sort of cleanse-y type thing...

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Lot to Process - and Maybe get my Butt in Gear!

I've been stuck inside... for about a week. Both Matthew and I have been battling a fierce cold. I've had it for almost a month and a half, he's just sorta playing with it. I think that I'm better , and a day latter I'm back to square one. This time around it's settled in my chest. Yuck Much.

We've been trapped at home for a week. Well, that's not entirely true, I was out for church, and then this one trip to the city... but it nearly killed me... so I've made up for the outings by making homemade chicken soup, and staying in my jammies for days. Physically I've had to slow down, because everything stopped.

Mentally I'm at my end. I feel out of control, not in a 'crazy' and aggressive way, but in a Passive, and all control is taken from me sort of way. I'm not a control freak, don't get me wrong. I, in fact, prefer to not be in control of most things; even though I'm a Type A personality. But I do want some control in my life. I don't want to be a spectator. I enjoy being apart of something, to be an active member of life, community, church, marriage, parenthood... womanhood even.

I don't have a realm of 'my space'. What in my life is mine? Where are my responsibilities, and what is my role?

Spiritually, Wow, is God working on me... It's like he's working on the sick side of my soul. I've been hiding from my own fears for the last couple of months. My life has been so about being Matthew's mother, and living in that blessing that I pushed aside all the things that God has been teaching me.

I guess we forget that God can Bless you, and want you to walk in that blessing, but not forget, or disregard the fact that He's working on you.

My forgetting was about self. About His view of Me. I forget that I'm loved. I forget I'm a loveable.

Self Esteem is linked to Spirituality, whether we want it to be or not. If you don't believe you exist for a reason, that something 'great' created you, then you become 'just like everyone else' you are just a 'mistake that grew from slime' you simply exist, and one day you won't... sad. You would judge yourself by humanity's standard... which is constantly changing, which is rooted in selfishness, and destruction, and you change based on what Others want you to be.

See here's the tougher stuff.... you say to me... "Shannon, what about being Me for Me?"... Well If I did not have faith in a God who created me, then currently I wouldn't' want to be me for me. We forget that we are flawed, we are corrupt and toss like the waves. I'm not steady enough to be the standard of myself.

We are not Good, I have yet to meet the prefect human. As much as society is wrong, and selfish, Society is just a bunch of people. we are individuals, but not independent. If we change ourselves, for simple ourselves, we are pressured by our culture, our time, our environment... so we can't be independently independent.

Because I believe in a 'greater', in something beyond myself, I believe that 'the greater' (Who we will call God) ( and who wants a personal relationship with each of us, as I believe...) has created me. Not by mistake, and not by accident, and not 'just because he had nothing to do on the sixth day'. That alone is a huge deal in regards to my self worth, and self esteem. God made me, He knew me in my mothers womb, he Created me in His image. But more than just being part of his creation He has good planned for me, I am his favored, and the Apple of his eye. He is the standard by which I can compare my life, my mind, body and soul...

And yet I don't feel it or see it right now. I believe it, but don't think about it.. It's like I'm covered in a fog. When I'm standing in front of a mirror, Feeling lost, laying in bed at midnight; Worn out and tired, holding Matty; or crying in the shower I just can't seem to remember it...

I often ignore / forget that God gave me David, and that when I feel unloved, David's love and perspective of 'me' is something... It counts for something. It's worth something because my husband loves me, with a God like Love, and Loves me with a humanistic love - that when he says I'm beautiful, I should actually listen.. not just smile and toss aside. That I should hear it.

I guess I don't hear the words, and I can ignore the actions... I can dismiss the feeling...

I'm still working on Me...