I need to get better at something. I have a son I want to be around for, I want to go for family walks with, bike rides in the park, hiking on vacation swimming, early morning walks... I'd settle for going up stairs without being winded.
The problem is that I want food to taste good, be enjoyed, be apart of life. Not the centre, not the focus... More than just sustenance, but pleasurable. I know that God gave us taste-buds for a reason, and I like to use them. A lot. And then some.
The solution for cutting out crap, getting up more and tossing the bad stuff, well that's the easy part. Self control. I lack it. I lack it alot. (in this case a lot is one word - used for expression of severity).
I'm starting with a few handicaps:
1 - I'll admit that I'm a Sugar Freak. Sweet tooth, ha! I have Sweet Teeth.
2 - I once had a Serious issue with food. My parents didn't know, my brothers didn't know (expect for Mike he figured it out about 10th grade). In fact at the time no one knew. In fact today not many people know... So watching what I eat and how much and how often can turn into something really ugly. it can become about the process, and controlling the food rather than controlling myself. If I'm not careful I can get too restrictive and then bad things happen. I've moved past this issue in my day to day life, but like Alcoholism, I don't believe you're cured (apart from divine intervention), you're just healed, and there is always temptation and relapse... I don't want to risk my health to become healthy.
3 - I'm a coward. I want the easy way out. I'm scared that if I do get healthy, if I get 'fit' and even 'trim' I'll lose who I am. for so long I've hiding behind the 'big girl' mask. I mean I'm huge, and that isn't completely a negative. try being 6feet tall and a large framed woman. I weigh 235 lbs today, and I'm a thick kind of girl... I thank the Lord every time I walk in front of a mirror, that I'm proportioned... speaking of that - what will happen if I do thin down some, will I be all boney and gross looking, will I lose weight where I don't want to (the cup does not runneth over, if you catch my drift).
Two years ago I was going to the gym, and watching what I ate, for a while, and then I stopped, well I was preggers and had a slight complication, but I stopped... Last year I was preggers and managing my weight very well. After Matty came early I dropped back to my 'normal' weight... but boy did my body change. I was the same in pounds, but the flubber had migrated and moved. I have the post baby belly. Boy is it ugly. I mean really ugly.
This is new to me. HATING somethinig about myself so much that I think about all the time. It's a joke as Mattys cushion and seat, and it's literally coming between my husband and I. I find it hard to be sexy and confident when I want to hide.
So for the Sake of my sanity, for the image of self I have in my head, for my husband, and for my son I'm going to change. Slowly and steadily.
I think that I will be cooking my way through this book. I figure the old school tastes will satisfy and I can work on Portion. oh portion... here we go. I can do this.
I'll post about this as often as I can with Matty being Matty, as as often as I remember.
I'm praying that this will give me a chance to get back to basics with cooking, master some amazing cooking and at the same time get back to my love of food, with out the obsessive stalker type relationship I once had.
No comments:
Post a Comment